Wednesday 30 November 2011

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Yes. There is a Christmas movie about Santa and Martians. Yes, you may now cry, whether it be from disappointment or hilarity will by entirely up to you.

So, this movie begins with a reporter introducing us to Santa's workshop and to the big man himself, and Jolly Ol' Saint Nick gives the camera crew a tour around the workshop, just spreading some good ol' Christmas cheer. Little do they know, children on Mars are also tuning in, and many of them have become depressed. Unlike Earthling children, Martians are fed information into their brains at birth, and by the time they have the bodies of little boys and girls, their minds are already adults, so they miss childhood. The leader of the Martians goes to see a wise man, who in turn tells him that because the children are watching Santa Claus, they are becoming depressed at their lack of fun. The wise man recommends that they kidnap Santa, which they of course go and do.

When they get to Earth however, they don't quite know where to find the old chap, so they ask two little kids, Billy and Betty, where he lives. After the children tell them, they are also kidnapped because they can't be left behind as evidence. So the big man kidnapped, they're all off to Mars. From this point onward there are treacherous plots and intrigues, as we are to expect of course, schemed up by an evil doer that wants to rid Mars of the rosy-cheeked, fun-loving, toy-giving menace that is Santa. For good!! Dun dun duuunnnn.

This movie is so bad it's good. It has indeed found that line and crossed it. The acting is horrible. The children can barely remember all of their lines, never mind perform them in a believable way, and the adults are almost as bad. There's a really bad, funny scene when Santa is first introduced to the martian children, and to bring them cheer and show them joy, he just starts ho ho ho-ing in front of these sullen.. and then they all start laughing. It makes no sense. The end is also really good, Santa just starts yelling AWAY! like he won't see these people while they fly him home. Timeless classic right here.


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