Deathbed: The Bed That Eats (1977)

This is a gem, in the worst sense possible. If you were to get together with a group of friends, got very drunk, and wanted to watch something absolutely horrible that would make you all laugh, this might be on the list.

The premise of the movie is that a bed in an abandoned mansion is possessed by a demon spirit, and eats whatever or whoever it comes in contact with. The mansion is abandoned because the bed ate everyone in the house, and potentially everyone in the local area. Before you get your hopes up for hilarity, the bed cannot move on its own. It doesn't talk either. The only way that we the audience are able to understand what's going on with the bed it through the voice on the narrator, one of the bed's victims who did not completely die and is not trapped behind a drawing he made of the bed. The story takes off when three women come up to the house from the country to 'get away', and they come across this abandoned house, which is of course the logical place to spend the night. Slowly, the bed claims them one by one, but there is a problem with one of the girls, who, as the narrator tells us, remind the bed of its creation. Yes really. Eventually, the ghostly narrator tells the girl from behind the drawing, to create some ritual that will hopefully destroy the bed. Will anyone survive its evil comfort!?

This movie was so bad. First of all, the narrator has this very morose, almost bored British voice that clearly exists only to give the bed's 'thoughts' a voice. Throughout the movie, the narrator has a one-sided conversation with no one about what the bed is thinking, feeling, and doing. It crosses the line of ridiculous. The actors are all very bad. They don't get into character at all and are stiff and awkward, just saying lines rather than actually acting them.

The very worst of all is the bed though. It makes these awkward crunching and slurping noise when it's eating, or swallowing noises when it drinks. The way it eats people is to slowly have them sink down into the sheets, which apparently open up into some void, represented by this yellow foam. We then get to see whatever it's eaten in this liquidy, yellow limbo where they disintegrate in what we can only assume is a bed's equivalent to stomach acid. At the beginning of the movie (one of the worst parts) a young couple comes into the mansion to... have some fun, and the brought a picnic. While they're kissing, the bed sneakily takes their food and eats it... but then returns the left overs to the top of the bed. So an apple sinks into the bed, an apple core comes back up. A bucket of chicken sinks down, the bucket comes back up with chicken bones. But the bed seems to not be consistent, because it later eats things that are not even food and doesn't seem to mind.

I would not really recommend that you watch this alone. Not because it's a horror movie... but because if you don't have someone to laugh with, you will probably get bored about half way through. If that far.

The Ghost and Mrs. Miur (1947)

This film is about a woman named Lucy Miur whose husband has died. To the disapproval of her late husband's mother and sister, she decides to take her young daughter and maid and move out to the sea-side. When she gets there she falls in love with an old house. The landlord strongly suggests that she find another house because the one she has chosen is haunted, but she will not be swayed and rents it out. On the first night there, Lucy notices something wrong with the lights. After trying to light a candle for the 4th or 5th time, she gets frustrated and fearfully, but determined, she yells out into the darkness of the room, taunting the ghost to come out of hiding and face her. And of course when she turns around she comes face to face with a distinguished sea-captain who tells her that she should leave. The two form a unique friendship, that develops into something a bit deeper for the ghost. Lucy's in-laws come to visit her and tell her that the she doesn't have any more money and should just come home with them instead of continuing to live alone in this old house. She turns them away rudely, because she's talking to the ghost at the same time and of course only she can see him. This leaves Lucy in somewhat of an awkward position because she won't be able to afford her rent anymore. The ghost convinces her to stay and that he'll take care of everything. His idea is to have her write down his life and adventures on the seas in what he believes will be a best-selling volume. She does this and is well received by the publisher and receives a large check for her troubles. While there she also meets another author who has it in his mind to court her. The ghost sees this and is jealous of the man's ability to physically be with Lucy. Is the man what he really seems to be? And will Lucy choose to keep company with the living or the dead?

This was a really great movie. It's the story of a woman setting out on her own and trying to make a life for herself after the death of her husband, instead of withering away in mourning as her in-laws would wish. Lucy is a sickly woman and is used to combating the odds, even with her own body, so striking out on her own and even publishing a novel to support herself and her family was just another obstacle for her to overcome. I thought the acting was really well done, and Lucy's daughter is the little girl from miracle on 34th street, so a familiar face for those who watch the Christmas specials every year.